Popping the cherry

"Come here..."

"Hmm?"

"Help me poke..."

"Poke what!?"

"It's too tight! I can't get it in. Please?..."



Yup. I'm starting to be... a little naughty...



"Don't tell me you've never... tried before?"

"(Giving me the stare)... faster lah!"

"Okay, okay. Here... look... shove it in and out a few times *muka geram expression*... it'll get loose after a while... HAhAhAhhAhAhAhahahAH!"

Everyone burst out laughing the same time.



"(Controlling laugh) What you two poking about?"

"It's her lah! She never poke before!"





Diam-Diam just bought a new phone then.

She can't get the USB cable in.

Close call

"Oh, shit!"



After a game last night, we passed a road block.

I wind down my side windscreens even from cars away; we got... nothing to hide... *Yeah, right!*



"Encik..."

"Selamat pagi... assalamualaikum. Dari mane ke mane ni?"

"Sukan, 'cik."

"Sukan? Futsal ke bola jaring?"

"Futsal."

"Futsal kat mane ni?"

"'kat Selayang Mall..."

"Okay... (gesture to move on)"

"Terima kasih!"



Couple hundreds of meters later,



"Lucky they didn't stop and check the boot!"

"Yeah wei! I almost wanted to say paintball just now... lucky for the sweaty towel around my neck."

"And what the fuck with bola jaring lah!? That's a woman's sport wei!"

"I think he meant basketball lah..."





Paintball marker is categorized as a firearm.

It is illegal to possess one without a license. With the gaining popularity of the game, support from certain government sectors and even the royals, the law of owning one is getting... blur.

Till then...

Will you now?

Will you date me?, continued.

As promised.

Blacks apply to me. Greys, my thoughts.


There are billions of them in the world, like colors on the screen of your computer
Seriously!? This figure can almost made us the most populated nation. There are also billions of Chinese. Indians. Christians. Muslims. What's the deal here?


They will analyze conversations in layers
Just looking for double meanings. Reading between the lines.


You will spend the day assembling furniture from IKEA
The Pair shifted recently. I was there to help out. While Fun Size is doing the cleaning, Since Primary Two and me were fixing the canvas shoe rack. Give me anything with a step-by-step diagram, I would fix it. Furniture. Toys. Scale models. Anything.

When I was a kid, I used to dismantle perfectly functioning toys, only to fit them back in the end. Everyone thought I will be an engineer one day...


They hate each other
Really!? Should I be worried now? Or should I play politic, first?


They fuck up all the tables with their cutters
Just being lazy to lay something below. We have cutting mats in the office - I rarely cut things on my own desk. My home desk, is fuck up-ed.


They rather study the paisley pattern on your outfit than listen to what you have to say
Not really. Not in real life. But on screen, I focus more on the background than the main object in front. Extras earn more viewings from me.


They make collages with your photos
No! Collages are lame, okay!


They do not know how to add and subtract, they just understand letters
Bullshit. We do scaling for our works. If a designer can't do simple math, they don't deserve to be in the industry.


They idolize people who nobody knows and speak of them as if they were his colleagues
Does Yasmin Ahmad rings a bell? Most people have heard of her, right? Of her local films and commercials fame.


They take pictures almost daily and all are cut in weird shapes
Take pictures, yes. Daily, no. You think I'm that free? Weird shapes, what!? How many of you would actually print photos out? And cut them shapes? How old is this list?


They hate Comic Sans with the same passion they love Helvetica
I've used unimaginable amount of fonts. I used Helvetica a lot. But that's a big difference with being passionate.

I did a commission work for a group of specialist doctors before. It's a paediatric handbook for medical students. Their requirements: Comic Sans for the headings, Arial for the body text. I can live with Arial. I almost shit my pants when they mentioned Comic Sans! Why!? Because they look like colons? "Children" does not means fancy, immature font. This book isn't for parents and children. But for young, budding doctors who are one day be treating me!

doc, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. True story.

But it's good money, though.


They use iPhone for everything, because everyone has one
Because everyone has one, I'm turning the other direction. And I don't fancy techs.


You can not decorate the house without consulting them
I think this apply to most people?


They steal street signs
I have some signs taken from fire stairwells, lifts, car emblems, et cetera. Wonder where are they now. Road signs? No. Not yet.


Always carry their hands painted with something
Just ink from my Artlines lah. I scribble and scamp a lot.


They buy dolls unfinished for them to paint
No, but scale model of cars. I still have one unfinished Tamiya 1/24 Ford GT40 in the box. If it's figurine, I prefer to buy them complete.


They hate Excel
Word sucks too.


They read comics
In newspapers. Sometimes on web.


You will spend the day brainstorming
And night.


On vacation they will take you to countries that you do not know exist and have no beach
I don't know about this. But don't you think places like Tibet, Nepal, Prague, South America interesting? Or the surroundings of Mediterranean. Oh, there are beaches. Anyway, I have not been there, but would love to scale them one day. Who's coming along?


They know more positions than the Kamasutra
Even a sexually active person don't memorize them! I termed this as spontaneous mutual exploration, just like everyone else.


They can’t go to a restaurant without secretly critiquing the menu design
What if the badly taken pictures are all over the place?


They can’t cook a normal dish, they always have to experiment with new ingredients
Instant tom yam noodle with chicken floss and mayonnaise. Freshly peeled banana, dip with icy cold kaya. Milo ais kau with slices of Häagen-Dazs...


They see ordinary objects and laugh
Once in high school, Since Primary Two, Pilot 4+2, me and another friend passed a padang with a lone baby papaya tree. Very short. With only one huge fruit dangling at the top. We laughed at that! And not all of us are artistic. It's the crowd you mixed with lah.


You wake up in the middle of the night hearing them screaming “When is the deadline?”
Mine was more of a "Fuck, it's due!"


They see CMYK and RGB like Neo sees the Matrix
Not to that extend. But it's a requirement by all designers. The colour space are different. Never be mix.


They dream of the day nobody will make a single change to their designs
It came true! The Cinema gave us two jobs, back to back. The ideas and concepts were the same throughout! We were the lucky few, really. I don't count revisions as changes.


They are always sleepy because they work 24/7
No lah! I still have a life! But I am sleepy now.



So? Will you?

Who came up with this list anyway?

How eye see it

Shortsighted, me.

No. Not that kind of shortsighted. I wear glasses.

I take them out when I sleep, bathe, and during intimate moments with my girls. I will spare the details on the intimacies. It's not that I know how to swim, but I take them out in the pool. But I wear them with my race helmet on. I wear them with my paintball mask.

The last I checked, my left was -5.xx, nearly a -6.00. My right, a mid -1.xx.

My better right overlaps the left.




The closest replication of my vision.



It wasn't that bad, really.

I have a feet of perfect vision without my specs on. I still can see the small little things I dropped with my eyes squint and bending over. I can see any objects, moving or stationary, but not the details. Driving? I do wipe / blow them while flooring the accel.

There's this one time, Once a Turbo playfully flicked water to my face. I told him off, and gave him a deadly stare. After that many years of wearing one, they are a part of me. They are my eyes.

Don't mess with it.










Now.




Image from Getty Images



These are what really pisses me off.

Glasses without lenses, or power. What are those? Some kinda fashion statement? Which is? Yeah, you look cute. Stupid at the same time. You are like wearing a mask, not a glasses. Are you hiding some kind of a birth defect? Or boosting your low self esteem?

It is not fun to wear them at all. A drop of water, you'll need to clean it. Same goes to dust. Steam. Fog. Fingerprints. Grease. Sauce. Oil. And it's tedious.

Take a look at the same model without it. Do you think she need one?




Image from Getty Images



One of the sweetest girl I've seen!





Shortsighted is a form of handicapped.

I was fortunate enough to have a slight blurred vision. To some, their power is so high, it would be termed as visually impaired. If you have Photoshop, open an image, go to Filter, select Gaussian Blur, drag the slider to 100. That's how they see the world. Respect that.

Before you wear them again, think.

Neither here nor there

It was a long, tiring day.



When people asked what I do, some were surprised, even to an extend, shocked at the word "director" that came with it. As literal as it may sound, I direct art. No, serious. You can close your mouth now. Ad people generally has the most misunderstood job scopes.




The Village Restaurant at Pullman, Putrajaya Lakeside.



When I started with this agency, we are required to open an account. The officer who is handling my details, signaled his supervisor to join. I was then shown with all kinds of investment prospects, until they realized my pay is missing a couple of 0's.

They were embarrassed. I was blushing.



Compound near the reception lobby.



I give art directions in executions. Treatments. Styling. Colours. Layouts. Fonts. Et cetera. These whole lot come after the ideation stage.

Being a creative, specifically, just an art director, we are involved at all corners of work. We were there in every meetings. You'll see us in every briefings. We raise voice in all brainstormings. We have the privilege to go out for recces. Presos. Shoots. Recordings. Offline. Online. Blah, blah, blah.

Everything.

And best of all, we are not the lowest life form in the creative food chain. Let's put it, we are somewhere at the higher bottom half. Neither here nor there. Because of this, we do everything.

You see why I put that title now?



The weather was better during the recce.



The agency is in the midst of rebranding. Yours truly, yes, is involved. I designed and executed the hall deco all alone from scratch for the regional conference. I dare not ask my designers to help, as I've given them tons to do. I'm not a slave-driver you know.

Couple of intense weeks later, after many going in-and-out the office, hell lots of emailing and conference calls between the Mumbai, Hong Kong, and the Singapore office, uncountable caffs and nicks, and juggling between ongoing bread-and-butters, we pulled a job well done.

That's just part of it.



The fountain at the back of the halls.



We were at the conference for the setup, dry runs of softwares and presos. I was there since midday with our executive PA. The production manager was there earlier.

At times like these, free meals aren't that tempting anymore. But it's nice to be invited for coffee by the executive PA of the Hong Kong office.

Later that day, the regional big shots dropped by the hall. Shook some hands. Strike a conversation to shout my presence. And to claim credits. Though I was mentioned at their dinner, I'm not looking for a praise, but expecting something along the line without the "p".

Is 50% too much?



At The Village.



All these hard work, is nothing compare to driving your bosses back to the office. Two are Indians - satu local, satu import, both a little drunk. And one soon-to-be lady boss. Imagine 3 talk shows running at the same time. Crickets moment was only for a short while. But it was a very muhibbah scene.



Day 1. And I'm not required on Day 2 and 3. One less job to worry now.

Since our bosses will be at the conference for the week, we beerly!

Beer early lah. Cheers!

If Facebook a human

It would be an indecisive, dramatic mood swing bitch.

Changes are good. Only when they come with improvement.

Will you date me?

I stumbled a list, of why one shouldn't date a designer.

50 of it!? Are we that bad!? Well, I'm an art director - this list still apply.

1. They are very weird people.
2. There are billions of them in the world, like colors on the screen of your computer.
3. They will analyse conversations in layers.
4. You will spend the day assembling furniture from IKEA.
5. They drink and eat all kinds of weird shit just because they like the packaging.
6. They hate each other.
7. You’ll come out the last out of the movies because you have to see the full list of credits.
8. They can’t change a light bulb or without making a sketch.
9. They fuck up all the tables with their cutters.
10. They rather study the paisley pattern on your outfit than listen to what you have to say.
11. They will fill your house with magazines and whatever is out there that has drawings.
12. You never know if it is really an original or a copy.
13. They make collages with your photos.
14. They do not know how to add and subtract, they just understand letters.
15. They idolize people who nobody knows and speak of them as if they were his colleagues.
16. They take pictures almost daily and all are cut in weird shapes.
17. They ask your opinion about everything but they do whatever they want.
18. Everything is left justified, right or center unless they arrive late.
19. They hate Comic Sans with the same passion they love Helvetica.
20. They use iPhone for everything, because everyone has one.
21. You can not decorate the house without consulting them.
22. They steal street signs.
23. Always carry their hands painted with something.
24. They buy dolls unfinished for them to paint.
25. Everything becomes something other than what it really is: cards as tickets, cards as…
26. When arguing, you will be nicknamed like the OSX spinning wheel (not affectionately)
27. Do not know how to dress without consulting the Pantone book.
28. They hate Excel.
29. They read comics.
30. They want to save the world only with a poster.
31. You will spend the day brainstorming.
32. On vacation they will take you to countries that you do not know exist and have no beach.
33. Museums are their second home.
34. They know more positions than the Kamasutra.
35. They can’t go to a restaurant without secretly critiquing the menu design.
36. They listen to music you have never heard of.
37. They can’t cook a normal dish, they always have to experiment with new ingredients.
38. They read rare books: stories of children, Semiotics…
39. When you are going to tell you something, everyone has read it in their facebook and twitter.
40. They have own iPods before you knew they existed.
41. The orgasm they remember is when they heard that Adobe was acquiring Macromedia.
42. They have their own shops just for them and there are the most expensive in the city.
43. They want to spend all the money in the Apple Store.
44. You will never understand their gifts.
45. They see ordinary objects and laugh.
46. You wake up in the middle of the night hearing them screaming “When is the deadline?”
47. They see CMYK and RGB like Neo sees the Matrix.
48. They dream of the day nobody will make a single change to their designs.
49. They rather pay for a font than for a special birthday gift.
50. They are always sleepy because they work 24/7.

Wait! Before you run away, stay for a while.

I'll explain...

Outch!

My new way of saying I'm out.

Battled for paintball. Since Primary Two shot me on the pubic. Was too painful to raise my hand. Instead, I held on my pubic shouting that. Emphasizing on the "T". And yes! It's still functioning, okay!? I had morning wood. Duh.

It was a night game yesterday at an unused car park made into a paintball field. We have the whole field to ourselves. Nice, eh?

The first day of work

"Why it's a Monday after a Sunday?", wrote Hitam Manis.



Mondays.

The most feared day of the week. The blues crept in. The inactive, hibernating period during the first half of the day. Maybe week. The dozing off, or some say, the fishing. The day when you are so reluctant to get up. But there are works to be done, money to be made, to put bread on the table. As much as you hated it, you have no choice, but to get up.

What Mondays had to do with you who are self-employed, or doing businesses? Or house-husband / wife? Do you feel the same getting up on Mondays? You still... sigh?

But do tell me about it.



My blues, apply to "every day".

I work through the weekends at times. Mondays do not give me any feelings at all. What I'm worry about, is my "first day of work" after a break.

Though my off days are given, it's a luxury to even fill the leave form. Key in, since we've been updated to the online leave application system recently. My breaks are usually a long one. My last break was early of the year, and during Chinese new year. That was three quarters ago.

I may start work any day of the week. So that's a blue tick on Mondays. Tuesdays. Wednesdays, and all the remaining days of the week.

I've hibernated for the past Raya's and independence day's week. That's nine days break including both the weekends with only two off days used. Nine days - you can imagine my "first day of work". And I still have over ten days left before the end of the year!



Guess I'll have more blues for the coming new year.

Berita hangat

No. Not hot news.

But reading news articles in a warm room.

Fuck the weather, really. It changes so fast that fixing a shower head in the bedroom would be irrelevant. It was so cold, we were shivering while having some drinks last night at the mamak.

What happened lah?