Elbows resting on my knees.
Chin inches away from the desk.
Palming my ears. Then my cheeks (not butts).
Found my mouth and nose.
Staring deep on pieces of recycled A4's.
Tracing the scribbles with my puffy eyes.
Penned with a black Artline 0.4, some in green.
That's me, mostly of today.
Fuck! I can't think of anything. Anything good, that is. Wasted the whole morning brainstorming for nothing with More Than a Cycle. Did I mention we wasted the whole afternoon too? I don't even want to go back to last week's. The more we storm the brain, the more we serong away from the brief. Sigh.
When's the deadline you asked? Coming Monday.
But when's the internal review? Technically, it's later today. Since I just got back from work and still awake at this odd hours, it's... "tomorrow", end of day.
Digging a 6-feet hole before hitting the bed.
25.1.11
23.1.11
This is a bonus
What is it with people and their bonuses?
An ex colleague recently asked if I've got my bonus already. I frankly told him, bonus isn't a promise. Ad industry isn't doing too good lately. Retrenchment is still ongoing. Accounts are leaving. Agencies are pitching for new clients non stop. "New" staffs are doing contract. Worst, freelancing. It's lucky to even keep a job now.
Even when the time was better, I don't care if I have bonus or not. What I look for in a company isn't just a paycheck, or bonus. But what the company can provide me in 1, 5, 10 years time. Or more. Will there be rooms for me to grow within? Will there be plenty of opportunities given? The welfare. The prospects. The career.
Good for you if you got it. But don't rant if you don't.
I knew people who rather stay on for a couple more months just for that one-month-or-less bonus even when opportunities landed on their hands! People! Seriously!? Just for that extra one, bloody month of bonus?
*headpalm* (macam tak cukup...)
*headdesk!*
An ex colleague recently asked if I've got my bonus already. I frankly told him, bonus isn't a promise. Ad industry isn't doing too good lately. Retrenchment is still ongoing. Accounts are leaving. Agencies are pitching for new clients non stop. "New" staffs are doing contract. Worst, freelancing. It's lucky to even keep a job now.
Even when the time was better, I don't care if I have bonus or not. What I look for in a company isn't just a paycheck, or bonus. But what the company can provide me in 1, 5, 10 years time. Or more. Will there be rooms for me to grow within? Will there be plenty of opportunities given? The welfare. The prospects. The career.
Good for you if you got it. But don't rant if you don't.
I knew people who rather stay on for a couple more months just for that one-month-or-less bonus even when opportunities landed on their hands! People! Seriously!? Just for that extra one, bloody month of bonus?
*headpalm* (macam tak cukup...)
*headdesk!*
20.1.11
Naruwan
"Welcome", in the language of the Amis people of Taiwan.
This trip wasn't plan. Zoky's friend was going for honeymoon. They asked her and few friends & family to tag along. She in turn asked us. I don't even have an itinerary of the trip till the third day I'm there. I can't read Chinese. Or speak fluently in that matter. Which make this trip even more... interesting.
Well, at least for me.
The lowest temperature being at 5 degree. It wasn't that bad if it's not because of the rain and wind. Three layers for outing. Two layers for sleep, with the heater on. Overall, I like it here. Good mixture of city, nature, people, culture, and food. I will be back for sure.
As usual, one photo each day to sums up seven days of the cold and warm of Taiwan. The cold temperature. And the warm people.
Taken with the Nikon D700, Tamron 35-105mm & Tamron 70-300mm lens.
Teapots. Taoyuan Night Market.
The faces at Jiufen.
Mountainous route. Suhua Scenic Road.
The V's. Dream Shopping Mall.
The Lover Tree. Alishan Forest Reserve.
Nighfall at Taipei 101.
Where's the 7th? The last day was at the airport lah. Nothing interesting there.
And you're Naruwan. *wink*
This trip wasn't plan. Zoky's friend was going for honeymoon. They asked her and few friends & family to tag along. She in turn asked us. I don't even have an itinerary of the trip till the third day I'm there. I can't read Chinese. Or speak fluently in that matter. Which make this trip even more... interesting.
Well, at least for me.
The lowest temperature being at 5 degree. It wasn't that bad if it's not because of the rain and wind. Three layers for outing. Two layers for sleep, with the heater on. Overall, I like it here. Good mixture of city, nature, people, culture, and food. I will be back for sure.
As usual, one photo each day to sums up seven days of the cold and warm of Taiwan. The cold temperature. And the warm people.
Taken with the Nikon D700, Tamron 35-105mm & Tamron 70-300mm lens.
Teapots. Taoyuan Night Market.
The faces at Jiufen.
Mountainous route. Suhua Scenic Road.
The V's. Dream Shopping Mall.
The Lover Tree. Alishan Forest Reserve.
Nighfall at Taipei 101.
Where's the 7th? The last day was at the airport lah. Nothing interesting there.
And you're Naruwan. *wink*
8.1.11
Random thoughts #651
Bad hair day.
It's all in your mind, really. If someone actually come up to and say your hair look bad, it's really bad. Otherwise, let it go.
Will be away for a while. Till then, give this a ponder.
It's all in your mind, really. If someone actually come up to and say your hair look bad, it's really bad. Otherwise, let it go.
Will be away for a while. Till then, give this a ponder.
5.1.11
New Year's Resolution
My resolution for this year will be like last year,
1920 by 1080 pixels at home, 1280 by 960 pixels at work!
*wink*
1920 by 1080 pixels at home, 1280 by 960 pixels at work!
*wink*
4.1.11
Hello, [Your Name]!
Banana asked my opinion for an English name she's adopting.
Before I give my take on it, I asked her back,
"Do you like that name?"
Let's just say she wanted people to "agree" with her choice.
I've known her as [Her Name]. I've been calling her that ever since. It won't be [Her English Name] the next time I see her. I didn't ask, but was wondering why she wants an English name for? For us friends? Or that handful of new people that she's going to meet in the future?
What is so special about having a foreign name? Even Malays and Indians have picked up this trend. I was given an English name at birth. And no, I'm not Christian. It is in all my identification documents. Lots of confusions to people that deals with forms, cheques, air tickets, "Name as in IC", "First Name / Last Name".
Whatever your name is, it gives people an impression of "I am who I am". Even it is the same to the friends of the person you are introducing the name to.
A name has an identity of its own.
To adopt a foreign name, tweaking the syllables of your actual name would be nice and relevant.
Before I give my take on it, I asked her back,
"Do you like that name?"
Let's just say she wanted people to "agree" with her choice.
I've known her as [Her Name]. I've been calling her that ever since. It won't be [Her English Name] the next time I see her. I didn't ask, but was wondering why she wants an English name for? For us friends? Or that handful of new people that she's going to meet in the future?
What is so special about having a foreign name? Even Malays and Indians have picked up this trend. I was given an English name at birth. And no, I'm not Christian. It is in all my identification documents. Lots of confusions to people that deals with forms, cheques, air tickets, "Name as in IC", "First Name / Last Name".
Whatever your name is, it gives people an impression of "I am who I am". Even it is the same to the friends of the person you are introducing the name to.
A name has an identity of its own.
To adopt a foreign name, tweaking the syllables of your actual name would be nice and relevant.
30.12.10
The law of attraction
Recent years, things have been happening to, and around me. Things which are deemed as unfortunate. Unlucky. Bad. Mishap. Et cetera. The negatives. They peaked towards year end.
If you have been reading my scribbles long enough, you may already know I was mugged outside my house more than a year ago.
Weeks later, I slipped in the bathroom. I use my forearm to lean against the door frame from falling, as a reflex. Scraped my arm all the way down as I fall. My right foot went under that small gap of the plastic door. My arm now, is permanently scarred with a two-inch shadowy mark.
On New Year's eve, stupidity struck. I slotted my ATM card into an out-of-service machine without having to look first. Idiot.
Things hasn't been going well of late.
Zoky is seeing someone recently. My heart stopped when she broke that out to me. I felt the cut. Really. But as sad as I can be, I gave her my full support. As a close friend. Sis case has brought us much sadness and tears.
These things have been constantly playing in my mind. Affecting my work, tremendously. For the past weeks, I couldn't churn out any good ideas for my work. I'm struggling to work thrice as hard now to compensate those mediocre. And I'm thrice as exhausted. Physically, and mentally.
I got into a minor accident not long ago. It was raining. An MPV stopped at a fork of the road. As I was passing the fork on the right, behind two cars in a safe proximate, he decided to swerve out after the 2nd. I avoided that bastard, with just inches left for us to kiss. As the result, I skidded and hit the door-height divider on my side. He didn't even bother to stop. I gave that fucker a chase. I quit after some time. The MPV was from the land down south.
No worries. I'm fine.
After experiencing one bad thing after another in a short span of just couple of months, they seriously bring down the spirit. At times when I'm alone to myself, my thoughts bent. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm down. I'm angry. I'm pissed. I sighed. I yelled. I cried. Zoky texted me after I told her about them.
"Be careful, 'kay? Better do something to bring away your bad luck. Keep an upbeat mind. The law of attraction works."
Maybe it does. I've been thinking about them too much. Kinda like "expecting" them to come every year. So much, these things came to me unknowingly. Maybe. I know, I shouldn't be so negative. But worry not. It will just be temporary. I will rise. I will stand. Firm. And fight to the end.
As I believed, there's always sunlight after the rain.
Maybe rainbows too.
In case I don't see you, Merry (belated) Christmas, and Happy New Year.
If you have been reading my scribbles long enough, you may already know I was mugged outside my house more than a year ago.
Weeks later, I slipped in the bathroom. I use my forearm to lean against the door frame from falling, as a reflex. Scraped my arm all the way down as I fall. My right foot went under that small gap of the plastic door. My arm now, is permanently scarred with a two-inch shadowy mark.
On New Year's eve, stupidity struck. I slotted my ATM card into an out-of-service machine without having to look first. Idiot.
Things hasn't been going well of late.
Zoky is seeing someone recently. My heart stopped when she broke that out to me. I felt the cut. Really. But as sad as I can be, I gave her my full support. As a close friend. Sis case has brought us much sadness and tears.
These things have been constantly playing in my mind. Affecting my work, tremendously. For the past weeks, I couldn't churn out any good ideas for my work. I'm struggling to work thrice as hard now to compensate those mediocre. And I'm thrice as exhausted. Physically, and mentally.
I got into a minor accident not long ago. It was raining. An MPV stopped at a fork of the road. As I was passing the fork on the right, behind two cars in a safe proximate, he decided to swerve out after the 2nd. I avoided that bastard, with just inches left for us to kiss. As the result, I skidded and hit the door-height divider on my side. He didn't even bother to stop. I gave that fucker a chase. I quit after some time. The MPV was from the land down south.
No worries. I'm fine.
After experiencing one bad thing after another in a short span of just couple of months, they seriously bring down the spirit. At times when I'm alone to myself, my thoughts bent. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm down. I'm angry. I'm pissed. I sighed. I yelled. I cried. Zoky texted me after I told her about them.
"Be careful, 'kay? Better do something to bring away your bad luck. Keep an upbeat mind. The law of attraction works."
Maybe it does. I've been thinking about them too much. Kinda like "expecting" them to come every year. So much, these things came to me unknowingly. Maybe. I know, I shouldn't be so negative. But worry not. It will just be temporary. I will rise. I will stand. Firm. And fight to the end.
As I believed, there's always sunlight after the rain.
Maybe rainbows too.
In case I don't see you, Merry (belated) Christmas, and Happy New Year.
16.12.10
The painful hour
"Uncle, I miss you all. Tell Mama and Koko too."
Reading that, I held on as hard as I could. Not to burst a tear.
Sis texted Father earlier. She then called, weeping. Begging us to let her come back. The hardest part is lying to her that she is not our responsibility anymore. To us, she still is. Not the same like before, but in a more abstract manner. It's not up to us to decide now.
I woke up at 10, after a 3-hour doze. Everyone's awake. Preparing to send her off later in the noon. Bro left for work earlier. For almost an hour when I'm still in the house, I didn't say a word. Didn't even look her in the eyes. I was pretending the whole time that I didn't care. I hurried myself, and left to work.
That was one of the most painful time I had in years.
Reading that, I held on as hard as I could. Not to burst a tear.
Sis texted Father earlier. She then called, weeping. Begging us to let her come back. The hardest part is lying to her that she is not our responsibility anymore. To us, she still is. Not the same like before, but in a more abstract manner. It's not up to us to decide now.
I woke up at 10, after a 3-hour doze. Everyone's awake. Preparing to send her off later in the noon. Bro left for work earlier. For almost an hour when I'm still in the house, I didn't say a word. Didn't even look her in the eyes. I was pretending the whole time that I didn't care. I hurried myself, and left to work.
That was one of the most painful time I had in years.
15.12.10
Closing a chapter
I laid my eyes the first time I held you.
Your eyes were closed. Your mouth slightly ajar suckling the air, making an almost inaudible sound. As if you are talking to me. That scent from you. That little limb movements here and there. And with that little tongue you trying to put out, was one of the loveliest thing I've seen.
We brought cousin sister up over the years.
Aunt dropped by once in a while to see her. Sometimes, would bring her home for a little of that mother-daughter time. Some years later, Aunt left to The States to make a living due to some problems she's facing here. She is not leaving her daughter. She will be back to get her when the time is right. She promised. And we know she would. Over the years, Aunt called back every other day to check on her. Recently, web chats.
After all these years she's been living with us, she's no more a niece, she's no more a cousin. She was more like a daughter, and sister to us. She was here for more than half of my life. Carved a quarter of my parents'. Two-third of Bro's. To my friends, she's always "... my sister...". To them, it's always "... your sister...".
Barely 40cm in length cuddled up, three kilos or so when she was brought here. As fragile and soft as any babies Mother had babysit before. The difference is, she was brought home a few-day-old.
Seeing her getting her vision. Sitting up on her own. Speaking her first word. Smiling. Giggling. Crawling. Clumsily balancing her first step. Running. Crying. Joking, teasing, and laughing at everything under the sun. I honestly couldn't describe how I feel.
Every moment of seeing her growing up is magical. Yet, very frustrating.
Studies used to be good. She was one of the top in her class during Primary. If not the school. Come Secondary, her results dropped year by year, to one of the top in her class, backward. We start to wonder. Was it the syllabus? Was it the crowd she mixed with? Or was it you were overly pampered by us?
What had gotten in you? Turning from a sweet innocent girl, to a disrespectful brat. From good to bad, and now, to worst. You started lying. Speaking rudely. Yelling. Cheating. Getting away from punishments. By tricking us into your sweet elaborate stories. Skipping classes. Skipping school. Smoking. Stealing money. Sneaking out at night. Sneaking out the cars.
We didn't bring you up like this!
Was it my parents fault? Was it your parents fault? Or was it my fault? Of not doing enough to stop my parents and Aunt for pampering you too much? Of not doing enough to refrain them from giving you too much? Was it?
Over, and over again, you disappoint us. Over, and over again, we let it go. For so many times you claimed you regretted what you have did, but as that many times you turn your back on us. One after another, you still hasn't change.
You are at its worst now. Up to a point, I even thought you are best changed if something really bad would have happened to you. A big one that you'll really regret it for the rest of your life. I know I shouldn't. I cried myself for thinking like this. I'm not suppose to cloud my mind. I couldn't help it. It was all at the back of my head. I don't know which is true anymore. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm lost. And I seriously don't hope you are digging your own grave for that.
Sooner or later, she will have to leave us. But I'm not expecting it to be like this.
A decision has to be made. For your own good. To start a new leaf in life. Over a discussion between Aunt, the husband, and us, you will have to go. Tomorrow, we are sending her off to the father. A decision that is as hard to make as letting go. As deeply cut and painful like a blunt rusty knife digging the open wound.
For that much we have poured our love, for that much we have wept.
Closing a seventeen years chapter isn't easy for us.
Your eyes were closed. Your mouth slightly ajar suckling the air, making an almost inaudible sound. As if you are talking to me. That scent from you. That little limb movements here and there. And with that little tongue you trying to put out, was one of the loveliest thing I've seen.
We brought cousin sister up over the years.
Aunt dropped by once in a while to see her. Sometimes, would bring her home for a little of that mother-daughter time. Some years later, Aunt left to The States to make a living due to some problems she's facing here. She is not leaving her daughter. She will be back to get her when the time is right. She promised. And we know she would. Over the years, Aunt called back every other day to check on her. Recently, web chats.
After all these years she's been living with us, she's no more a niece, she's no more a cousin. She was more like a daughter, and sister to us. She was here for more than half of my life. Carved a quarter of my parents'. Two-third of Bro's. To my friends, she's always "... my sister...". To them, it's always "... your sister...".
Barely 40cm in length cuddled up, three kilos or so when she was brought here. As fragile and soft as any babies Mother had babysit before. The difference is, she was brought home a few-day-old.
Seeing her getting her vision. Sitting up on her own. Speaking her first word. Smiling. Giggling. Crawling. Clumsily balancing her first step. Running. Crying. Joking, teasing, and laughing at everything under the sun. I honestly couldn't describe how I feel.
Every moment of seeing her growing up is magical. Yet, very frustrating.
Studies used to be good. She was one of the top in her class during Primary. If not the school. Come Secondary, her results dropped year by year, to one of the top in her class, backward. We start to wonder. Was it the syllabus? Was it the crowd she mixed with? Or was it you were overly pampered by us?
What had gotten in you? Turning from a sweet innocent girl, to a disrespectful brat. From good to bad, and now, to worst. You started lying. Speaking rudely. Yelling. Cheating. Getting away from punishments. By tricking us into your sweet elaborate stories. Skipping classes. Skipping school. Smoking. Stealing money. Sneaking out at night. Sneaking out the cars.
We didn't bring you up like this!
Was it my parents fault? Was it your parents fault? Or was it my fault? Of not doing enough to stop my parents and Aunt for pampering you too much? Of not doing enough to refrain them from giving you too much? Was it?
Over, and over again, you disappoint us. Over, and over again, we let it go. For so many times you claimed you regretted what you have did, but as that many times you turn your back on us. One after another, you still hasn't change.
You are at its worst now. Up to a point, I even thought you are best changed if something really bad would have happened to you. A big one that you'll really regret it for the rest of your life. I know I shouldn't. I cried myself for thinking like this. I'm not suppose to cloud my mind. I couldn't help it. It was all at the back of my head. I don't know which is true anymore. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm lost. And I seriously don't hope you are digging your own grave for that.
Sooner or later, she will have to leave us. But I'm not expecting it to be like this.
A decision has to be made. For your own good. To start a new leaf in life. Over a discussion between Aunt, the husband, and us, you will have to go. Tomorrow, we are sending her off to the father. A decision that is as hard to make as letting go. As deeply cut and painful like a blunt rusty knife digging the open wound.
For that much we have poured our love, for that much we have wept.
Closing a seventeen years chapter isn't easy for us.
13.12.10
Not. Again.
I hate it when this happened.
It was just, what... less than an hour? Even that four bottles of Tiger shared earlier among Father and Bro won't do justice.
What wakes me up? I need sleep!
I know what you are thinking. Might as well I try to get some sleep? I did. For an hour I did exactly that. Rolling from right to left, then back to right, then leftrightleftrightleftrightleftrightleftright. Wrapping me self like a popiah, no... cocoon.
Less than 4 hours before the Alien Ant Farm's Smooth Criminal rings.
Smelling the Monday blues now.
It was just, what... less than an hour? Even that four bottles of Tiger shared earlier among Father and Bro won't do justice.
What wakes me up? I need sleep!
I know what you are thinking. Might as well I try to get some sleep? I did. For an hour I did exactly that. Rolling from right to left, then back to right, then leftrightleftrightleftrightleftrightleftright. Wrapping me self like a popiah, no... cocoon.
Less than 4 hours before the Alien Ant Farm's Smooth Criminal rings.
Smelling the Monday blues now.
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