Booby trap

I was lightly tracing her skin with my fingers.

Baby then blurted this out,

"I'm gonna put a mouse trap there next time! No… I'm gonna put a scorpion!"

"Even before I slide my hands in, the scorpion already stung you lah!"

"You're so evil!"

"Yeah what! Scorpion konon... No! You know what's better!? A mouse trap... but the glue trap!"

"Not worth it lor! Your hand will stuck there forever!"

"That's the whole point!"

HAHAHAhAhAHAhAhAhAhAhAHAHhAhAHA...

Fuck! I tearing up just by thinking of this!

She's so~ adorable…

Mindfucked chat

Remember my friend, Lei San San?

Besides annoying me with her "questions", another level of her mental torture are the random changes of topic. So fast and prompt, yet looked relevant at first.

We were chatting in Facebook the other day. She was stuck with the template in eBay.



"I still have no idea how to use eBay."

"Explore slowly lah..."

"Have to lor! But if I still don't know, can I ask you?"

"Er... I don't even know anything about eBay. I can't help much..."

"I mean, I will use Adobe to do the layout. If I still don't know, I'll ask you."



Oh! So she's asking about Adobe lah! Then this came right after.



"I send photo to you, okay?"

"Er... okay?"



She sent it through Whatsapp while still chatting in Facebook. So, I guess I'll have to transfer the photo from my phone to the computer before I can do any touch up?



"I got that. What you want me to help with?"



Oh! She just wanna share her baby's photo lah...

Really? I mean, really?

Chat emotion

The most commonly overused, sometimes, abused term on the Internet is "LOL". To those of you who still doesn't know what LOL is, you have my 5 minutes of silence. May you rest in peace.

LOL. Laugh out loud.

Yeah, right. How often do we actually made a single decibel when you typed that? Okay, okay! I'm guilty as charged.

I've never used "LOL". Mine was "hehe", and "haha". But the lips are as flat as the horizon. If they goes beyond the second "he" and "ha", I started smiling. With luck, might see some teeth and jerks.

The times when I actually "laugh out loud", with sound, I don't bother to type because I just can't. I'll make sure to enjoy the joke first, settle my cramps, and wipe my tears, if any. I'll shoot a random "hAhAhAHHAhhAhhA" to the joker after. Out of manners and courtesy lah.

It's hard to gauge what the person on the other end feels at times.



"Fuck you lah."



Cursing is common, off- and online. Up to a point the fucks doesn't make any difference at all. Take the above as an example, and interpret it into, say, Malay. It's more like, "Pantatmu~" for all we know. The tilde is there to give it a whimsical tone. How about Cantonese? It could be something along the line of, "Diu nei, mm koi~". So good manners. Tilde for the same effect.

If you are angry, tell me lah. I can't see you. I can't listen to you. Let me know. Stress your angerrrrr. Yes, that's right. Stress it!



"Fuck you lahhhhh!"



With exclamation, if you will!

Talking about punctuation marks, I have a friend who... how should I put it? Rather lazy to press the Shift button and question mark. As if that extra press will uses up most of her energy and strains her muscle. What really annoys me the most when talking to Lei San San is the one-liners. Please note that she came to me.



"Working"

"Oh, okay..."

"Busy"

"Er... okay..."

"I didn't go work today"

"Huh!?"



What are you trying to tell me!? Wait...

Oh! Who would have thought she was actually asking if I'm working and busy!? I've lost count how many times I was mindfucked. And for that many times, I've scolded her.

She is still, the same. Epic.

Diamonds & dogs

A friend posted this on Facebook,

"Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. What exactly these tell us?"

Being the... naughty me, I wrote...






























"Women like it hard. Men like doggy-style."



No offense to men and women out there ar.

Just trolling around.

Office romance gone wrong

"... but I really don't want to work with you lor!"

"It's really bad to have an affair with a co-worker!"

"It will affect the work lar!"



We're laughing our asses off on both our ends. Pun not intended.

Since Primary Two been thinking to quit. Looking for a brand new views. He asked recently if my place is looking. Though we are both in the creative industries, me in advertising, he in the fashion, our job scopes are fairly different.

The least I could do, as a bro, is to pass his message to my boss. It is still too early to tell where he will fit in. But these are the recent chat we had.



"hAhAhAhAhAHHAhhAhA... fucker you!"

"Later your Fun Size jealous how!?"

"We kasi komplot sama dia lar!"





Yeah. That's how we talk.

My daily supplements of laugh.

Popping the cherry

"Come here..."

"Hmm?"

"Help me poke..."

"Poke what!?"

"It's too tight! I can't get it in. Please?..."



Yup. I'm starting to be... a little naughty...



"Don't tell me you've never... tried before?"

"(Giving me the stare)... faster lah!"

"Okay, okay. Here... look... shove it in and out a few times *muka geram expression*... it'll get loose after a while... HAhAhAhhAhAhAhahahAH!"

Everyone burst out laughing the same time.



"(Controlling laugh) What you two poking about?"

"It's her lah! She never poke before!"





Diam-Diam just bought a new phone then.

She can't get the USB cable in.

He made my day

Who?




Closer.




Almost.




Stop right there.



Him! Ab... Abroko?

How can you not laugh at that Beatles' trim? That squinted, high-on-weeds eyes? And that matching goatee back in the late 90s? He made a spot there recently. A very good morning booster, I must admit.

And sorry to disappoint. This is not a straight-guy-turn-bent post.

Peak of boredom #489

Bro asked in MSN,



"Eh, how to make a building transparent?"

"Build it with glass?"

"Photoshop lah!"



I'm grinning at the other end.

I knew what he meant.

Saja kacau.

License to kill

Myself.

I was having my puffs at the secret base.

Cat Eyes came in. She was on the phone. Apparently, with someone from the event management. Trying to mind my own business, not to eavesdrop. Daydreaming. Yawning.

She hung up after some time. Finally.



"You have ciggy?"

"Yeah... (offering her)"

"What brand is this? Manchester!?"

"Yeah... for emergency. I don't have ciggy at home. I took my mum's."

"Your mum smokes!?"

"So is my dad. He quit for years now."

"So... you have license 'dy?"



How old am I? Of course I do.

Though my folks smoke, but they are against us to pick up smoking.

I got my license from Mother through bribery.

There was once when her crave kicks in. But she don't have any with her. She came and asked for one. Wait. Before I go any further, I must stress that I was caught by her a number of times before. She "knew" I smoke.



"You have cigarette?"

"... er... yeah... (handing her one)"

"Expensive cigarette, eh?"

"So... are you gonna tell Dad? (Before she could say anything)... Better not. Next time when you're out of stock, at least you can take mine!"



She gave me that look. Quick thinking kan? Opportunities like these must kasi grab punya! I'm a late teen then.

Getting one from Father isn't easy. Took me some years through hard earned, ear-drums-exploding effort experience. His ratio of catching me as compare to Mother was a 1-to-5. Where every 1 time Mother caught me, he did 5 times. Mother's was through discovery or exploration of my room. He's good! Or pure lucky.

Not only he caught me, but catches me red handed all the time. With a ciggy in my mouth. Or visibly with the burning, bright red tip. At least holding one. From mamak, to public toilet at the place where I'm doing part time, to dropping it off my pants in front of him at Cindy's. Everywhere.

The mamak's was a classic.

I skipped school. Still with uniform. I was there with Since Primary Two, and Pilot 4+2. It was my first stick of the day. Just as I was about to put the bud at my lips, he came in! What the hell!? I really didn't expect that! He's back from work early! Of all days! Seriously...

I turned pale. Lost weight and size right there and then (as claimed by my bros).

He sat down. Ordered a chapati and teh tarik. Gave me a scolding while having his late lunch. My bros left after a while. They kena from him too. I'll spare the details of what happened next.

The "chapati / teh tarik" was made an inside joke up to now.

After many, many years, I was given the license. For free!

I took a 2-week event job up north in Penang. It was my "first" driving-alone-long-distant. So he tag along. And take the opportunity to visit Cindy too while I was there. We left near the wee hours. On the way there...



"If you're tired... sotp the car... tkae smoe rset... have a smoke... hvae a laek... wsah yuor fcae..."

"Wow..."



I was in selective hearings.

There you go. Two different ones.



Looking at the experience I had, don't you agree it's similar to dealing with the G? If you know what I mean.

Bila orang nak, kena kopi.

Bila orang tak mintak, die die dia kasi.

The coupé apartments

"People started moving in already..."



I was in Since Primary Two's car at the traffic lights. We looked on to a relatively new apartments just by the overhead bridge on top of a mall. It was dark, with only few prominent lights from the living rooms, scattered randomly over the 20-, 30-floor building.



"What are those? Studio apartments?"

Spontaneously, he said,

"They've 2-door, 3-door... eh!?"

"HAHAhAhAhA! Coupé! Must be expensive!"

"... 2-door, 3-do... (short pause)... What is wrong with me!? Two-room! Three-room! Studios!..."



If those exist, I'll be looking for a 5-door Volvo / Hummer house. Looking at the break-in cases now, something tough would be nice.

Twice a fool

In Since Primary Two's car.

At an open road. Ten odd street lamps to the traffic light. It was green.

He clutched in, dropped gear, and floored the accel. Boost kicked in. Needles jumped. The car torque steered. We were glued to the seats, as the wastegate screamed. Adrenaline started pumping. Orgasmic!

The light turned yellow! He braked hard... *potong steam*

At the red, we had a small talk.



"Even a Ferrari or Lambo can't beat that..."

"Yea lah wei..."

"Unless we can teleport in front lah."

"...(Stared at me, short pause)... If we can teleport, we teleport home lah! Still wanna teleport in front the traffic light meh!?"



Why didn't I think of that!? We had this exact conversation twice! At the exact same spot! On different occasions!



"Two bloody times you said that wei!"

"I know lah!... You don't let the teleport not enough power ar!? (cover malu)... You still layan the first part what!"

"HAhAhAhAHAHHAAHAH!"

"Let's make it 3. Third time's a charm. Or lucky number 7!"

"HAhAhAhAhAHHAA! (Long pause)... Don't wei!"



We cried all the way home.

When it's still pink

Half of our topics are food related.

Diam-Diam is not fat. Not even close. She's the kind with a well built frame. Athletic curves - she's into kickboxing. Tall, for a girl. Big bones. And has a huge pair of ti... hands. They were as big as mine! Measuring it against the manhood, I thought, it really questions the ego. And I wonder, how big his boy's was to compensate.



The Pink Ice-cream is having a promo. Every Wednesday, if you wear or bring anything pink to any of the outlet, you'll get a discount or some sort. Excitedly, she was selling this to me the whole day. So, I did a body search. Looking around my desk for anything pink. And I thought I have something in that hue. Where are they lah?

Thought I was desperately looking for one, she slide her chair near me and put her nail polish on my table. Volunteered to give a manicure session for me. I thought for a while.

I told her why not I storm to the counter. Lift my shirt. Unbuckle. Pull my pants. Slide my underwear. And shout...



"Quick, quick! Before it turns hard and red!"



We had a good laugh.





Not a fan of it though.

Room to rent

My parents used to rent out a room.

It was the back room, the second largest after the master.

They rented it to a male college student. His girl came to "lived" in later on. I lepak a lot with them. Was the only child then. Need companions and friends to play with. Remember once I was playing in their room, they constantly pestered me to go out. Saying they need to study. It took me a while to give in. I'm a stubborn child. But come to think of it now, it must be a subject on Kamasutra.

The pair rented the room for a year or so. Never heard from them ever since. I always wonder what happened to them. Couldn't really remember their faces, but the only thing I can recall is the guy wear glasses, fair complexion, and the girl has a wavy, shoulder length hair.

By now, they should be in their 50s.



Water heater is a luxury then. And the house only has one, which is in the bath of the master. The girlfriend has a "habit" of showering without closing the door. This is true. I bet she's expecting the boy to grope her, or have a quickie when he comes back. From the outside, the bathroom is secluded. Guests won't know if we didn't tell.

It was rather safe.




Can you read floor plan? The red cross is where the bath is.



One day when she's taking her shower, I went in to have a peek. I know what you are thinking. I'm still a child. Just curious. Okay? It wasn't long. She was facing the wall opposite the sink. Enjoying the hot stream. She's wet and a little soapy. I scanned her from head to toe. She then turned. And saw me. This is very new to me.

Another quick head to toe before I ran out.



"Mummy, mummy! Why jeje down there got grass?"

"What grass?" Mother was confused. Father's listening, even more confused.

"Black grass!"



She came out blushing. And got a lecture from my parents for not locking the door for the x number of times. I was sitting on the sofa watching TV. Being a child.

They seldom lock their room door too. One night, I popped my head in at the door. It wasn't that late. There were still Chinese dramas showing on TV. But the lights were already off. Their silhouettes were visible through the faint light bouncing off their bodies.

A little worried, I ran out.



"Mummy, mummy! Koko and jeje fighting! Jeje going up and down on him!"



Another lecture. Bad thing for them. Good thing for me. At least I'm exposed young. I was slightly over three then.



This is my room now.

Re-tale

I've been reading these stuffs recently. Which reminded me of my own experience dealing with such customers. Some made my day. A small portion almost make me stomp on their pathetic face.

This was long before I'm an advertising slave.

After having a one-year stint at Old School Art College, I was working odd jobs here and there. My first was doing part time with Factory's Apparel Shop at French Hypermarket near my place.

There was once on a slow day, a pair of cute couple in their 60s came in. Kinda short. And plump. There's always smile on their face. Which makes us smile even more. From their look and the way they speak, I can tell they are well educated and came from a well-to-do background.



"Hello! What can I do for both of you? Do you have anything in mind?"

"Just looking around." The uncle smiled, in Cantonese.

"If you need anything, I'll just be around." From then on, I speak Cantonese to them.



I continue to fold shirts, sort sizes, and reorganizing shirts that don't belong where I found them, before I lepak at the register with the store supervisor. Just then, I saw them looking at some winter jackets for quite some time; the most expensive pieces in the store.

Seldom people even touch them because of the price.

This is how our paycheck work. Besides the basic, there is also the commissions. Every staffs will get a small percentage from each piece sold no matter who sell it. But this only applies to full time staffs. Too bad I'm only doing part time. Salary counted by the hours. But selling that is something I'm gonna be proud of.

I quickly rushed to them.



"Uncle, why not you give it a try?"



I took a red down. And gave it to him. He eagerly slide his arms in the sleeves. The wifey at back adjusting the hood, while he zipping the front. It does suits his plump figure. Even cuter now.

Checking himself out at the mirror nearby.



"It looks nice on you, uncle."

"Hmm..." He then looked up at other colours.

"The green one not bad also eh?"

I look at it. Speechless.



"Erm... it's... blue?"



The aunty smiling at me cheekily. Poking fun at her own husband. He's wearing an orange tint spectacles. Which made the blue look yellowish green. He blushed, and didn't smile again for the rest of the time they were there.

Let's just say they didn't buy anything.

An encounter with the unseen

Heard some bad news at work.

I've never been so emotionally defeated before. If it was last time, I could have just "fuck it" and "bring it on" at anything that comes. I'm losing that attitude of mine. Losing out of being young. Now, it's closer to something along the line of "fuck" and "bring it slow".

All I need now is the fire of being old.



Since Primary Two suggested to have a drink. So I met him and Fun Size at the mamak after work. The couple of hours spent was quite freshening. I'm a little relieved. At least I could bring myself to smile.

When we're about to leave, Zoky called.

She just got my text; bad line at her place again. We continued to talk what we left out earlier in the day for a good ten, fifteen minutes. But the line wasn't any better. We got cut off. She did makes me feel better, unknowingly to her. Spontaneous. Encouraging. Positive. Humours included. Sigh, hearing her voice was so... never mind.

I started the car. And floored home.



Zoky called again. She complained about her line. And we picked up some small talk.

"Eh, I'm driving. Call you when I get back?" Hoping, hard.

"I'm sleeping soon."

"I'm driving woh..."

"I'm sleepy woh..."

It's almost midnight. We briefly ended the call. Though I'm a little reluctant to.



On the way back, I saw Since Primary Two. Twice.

First, was quite a distance; how can a Slow White Poke caught up with a MIVEC Turbo? He chose to profit the toll guys, I skipped it.

Second, I managed to caught up near the traffic lights; he's turning right, I'm going straight. Gave him a honk, but he couldn't hear it; the exhaust close to thunder on ground. His radio is there just for deco.



Back at home, I went online to check some stuffs before hitting the bed. Fun Size was still awake; waiting for Since Primary Two to finish his bathe.

"What!? How could that be!? I just saw him! Twice!" Hair all over my body started to erect.

"How can he still be in the shower?!" Tried calling. But no answer.

"Is his car still outside?" But who was in the car earlier?

Being bros for too long, how can I not recognize his car. Just a glance is all it takes. Even know he's near by just hearing it.

Did I just bumped into... Fuck! Jong kuai ah!?






























Oh! He's bathing at his own house...

Just when you're too stressed about things, your mind starting to play with you.

Out of Service

How should I put it? Mixed feeling?

Today, I fitted something to the car. It costs. But you know lah, cars, the big boys' toy? I'm sure you get the drift.

Rewind a little to much earlier.



I don't have much cash with me. Nor cards. I canceled them during the robbery. Remember?
(Yeah, I know. The bank can send a new one over. But hated the bank. Given them my IC, and other photocopied documents, and still, they got my surname spelled wrong! Yes! So, decided to apply from other banks. And no, I can't apply for one. Not without my IC. Not with the temporary one. Just got it. Haven't got the time.)

Armed with only some cash and ATM card, what else is there to do? So off I go to the bank nearby. To my surprise, the balance was low. So low, I can't even make a minimum withdrawal. Are you kidding me? Someone hacked in? Not at this time, man!

Checked at the next machine. The same.

Checked at another bank. It's still low. I'm getting nervous here.

Checked at the last bank. WOI! What the fuck happened!? Where's all my money!?

Eyed the machine's card slot next to me. Jumped over. Inserted the card. Looked up.



"OUT OF SERVICE"



Okay... there's something digitally wrong with the screen. Try to take it out. Eh? Where's the tone? Fuck! This machine is not electronically connected. How am I suppose to get my card back?! It was printed on paper. Please don't laugh. Things happen. You know?

There were people around. I started to blush from "What is this idiot doing with an out-of-service ATM?", "hAhaHaHaHhaHaH. Sor hai!", "Aduh! Tengok lah dulu...", and other variance.

Yes. Very embarrassing. Sigh. The same old filling up forms and other bullshit again. In the end, Since Primary Two had to swiped for me. Will involves wire later.



As I'm writing these on my lappy, in the living, I catch a glimpse of the car. Well yeah, I'm happy with the look now. Oh, I found out the hard way that MEPS machine can't detect other accounts linked to the ATM card; stay calm all the time, don't easily panic; and sleep well, as in more than the 5 hours I had kinda well. Okay, okay. I've got it now.

But the stupidity stays.



Happy New Year, people.